Saturday, 11 July 2015

leaving high school

I spent five hours sitting in in a huge park with everybody in my year, listening to bad music through an equally as bad speaker as huge rain clouds drew closer. As I sat there in my purple leavers hoodie (which I was reluctant to get in the first place due to the fact it screams "I am sixteen!"), I realised I was bored.

There are many moments in life that are built up to be 'perfect', and we are supposed to treat those like they are sacred, worthy of a movie screen moments. You are supposed to laugh and act like everything is perfect and that you feel completely content.. but I have realised that I never do. It is always those events that are planned so much they're almost scripted that I look around at everyone smiling and wonder if I'm the only one who wants to go home. On the leavers photo day, while everyone posed in groups, I pretended to enjoy myself while inside I just kept thinking about how much I didn't want to be there. When my friends are dancing at parties to bad remix's of songs that were already bad in the first place, I wonder how they manage to feel so care free.

My favourite memories are those that happen in ordinary situations, when I'm not expecting anything life changing to occur. When thing go so wrong that it's funny or when a new inside joke is created. I've found that my favourite days are when I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. Of course I will miss high school, but I will miss hushed laughter in lessons, wasting time walking around school instead of going to Business Studies and doing absolutely nothing in art lessons more than I will miss events with my entire year group.

I was thankful when the temperature fell drastically on that day and the sky became almost black from the dark clouds so that everybody went home. It was a relief as I was saying goodbye and pretending that I cared I was walking away, when in reality I couldn't wait to sit in my friends living room watching Guy Tang transform fried hair into flawless hair. 
It feels so strange that I have sat in my 30 minute leavers assembly and laughed at year 7 photos, knowing I will never know these people in the same way again. I have scrawled 'good luck!' with sharpie on school shirts and had the pen bleed through the fabric to stain my skin. I've sat in a field wearing my leavers hoodie and talked about the courses I'm taking at college and how much I don't want to open my GCSE results. I've sat in silence for hours in an attempt to include as many key words as possible in answers, even if the sentences don't actually make sense. My biggest regret is that I did not revise once although I don't know if that's something I should include on my blog.. 

Right now my life seems to have no purpose, which is a huge relief from the months of stress and trying to sleep while panicking about art coursework. All I can do now is dread the 20th of August when I have to live with whatever mistakes I made. My biggest worry is my English Language grade after I panicked in the exam and didn't really answer any questions properly (I have literally cried over this... in the shower of course). 

I have also been in and out of job interviews, each time being rejected in favour of somebody with experience. It is now that I hate myself for doing work experience in an office rather than a shop, which would have made me look more employable for the role of 'customer assistant'.

Over the summer I am hoping to improve my blog and actually post (!!!). After all, I have so much time....

4 comments:

  1. I can relate SO much to this post, I'm an incredibly happy person but, like you, I find that by happiness stems from small snippets of life which are pure and unexpected. I loved Prom but I remember sitting there eating my meal looking around to see everyone laughing and couldn't help but think 'Is this it?'. Huge build ups seem to only result in slight let downs in my eyes. I feel at a bit of a loose end now school's finished, and I'm now dreading results day! Anyway, Good luck and enjoy your summer.

    Lydia / lifeislovelyjubbly.com xxx

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    1. Thank you so much! I love knowing that people can relate to what I've written, it makes me feel less weird hahaha.
      YES! I FELT THE SAME AT PROM! I just posted about it now!!!!!!!!
      Thank you and good luck for results day too :) lets hope we both get what we need! <3

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  2. Gosh I know how stressful exams are and wouldn't worry about messing up some of them because I think we all did! The amount of times I spent crying over them and trying to guess what I got. Now I just want to get to the middle of August and open up that envelop ASAP! I can't wait much longer...

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    1. I know the feeling, it has probably been the most stressful two years of my life! Good luck for results day!

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