Tuesday, 21 July 2015

i am making no effort to fall asleep

Yay for un-edited photos! (Don't hate me).

It's currently 2:37 am and I'm awake and listening to 'How Will I Know' by Whitney Houston and 'He Can Only Hold Her' by Amy Winehouse on repeat while reading my leavers book. For those of you who are unaware of this high school leavers ritual, it is basically a notebook filled with messages from people who have attended the same high school as me for the past five years, as well as many embarrassing pre-pubescent photos (if I wasn't too lazy to print them).

Despite the fact it has been only a matter of weeks since I was sitting in lessons with the people who have scrawled "deffo gonna keep in touch!!!" on lined paper,  I already feel like there is a void between us. High school has ended and it is no longer necessary to force small talk or even friendships with the people we grew up with. I'm not even sad really, just alarmed at my sudden realisation that the inside jokes are dead and there are some people who I said goodbye to on prom and will never see again. 

Reading the handwritten confessions of my high school friends has left me feeling so nostalgic for a period of my life that has only just ended. I'm so surprised that I actually miss my high school education, due to the fact I swore to hate every moment while I was there. I think the past always seems better than it really was, because we look back at it with the romanticised view of all the songs we loved and the things that made us smile, rather than the boredom and frustration and pain. 

I should be asleep and my mind is confused, but what I'm trying to say is although I absolutely do not wish to go back to high school, there are some things that will cause a notable absence in my life. Like cold science labs on Monday mornings where sleep deprived teenagers complain about the temperature while trading minty flavoured bubblegum. Getting in trouble for talking too loudly in R.E and finding the punishment of a negative tick hilarious. Pulling grass from the school field in the summer while listening to bad music through partially broken speakers. Oh my god I could write about stupid little details all day but I must stop myself because I need to sleep.

I really miss the smell of red hair dye and cheap perfume. Where have the days gone??????????

Saturday, 11 July 2015

i went to prom

Throughout high school, despite the fact I have never been keen on the idea of actually going to prom, I participated in excited and delusional conversation about how 'perfect' the night would be when it actually came. I spend the majority of my ICT lessons watching as my friend scrolled through websites in search of a prom dress, occasionally saying things like 'I love that one' in order to seem interested. The truth is, unlike the rest of the high school musical generation, I was not excited to go to prom.

The whole affair has always seemed awkward to me. Arriving in hired transport in a dress that is way too over the top, wearing make up that is too intense for day light and being supervised by teachers all night... nothing about it is really appealing. I have always viewed the event as more of an over hyped school disco, rather than the sophisticated event that our school wanted us to expect. 

I can understand the appeal in a way. My distaste was mainly fuelled by how truly shy I am, meaning a night of crowds and photographs isn't exactly ideal for me. However, I understand that most teenagers actually enjoy feeling glamorous and dancing with their friends to celebrate freedom from high school. 

Anyway, after all the months of hype the day actually seemed quite disappointing. But I did kind of enjoy it. We favoured dramatic photo shoots rather than dancing to the YMCA and sitting at the table and laughing over all the stupid things we had done. Prom is not the night portrayed in movies. There is no 'walking down the staircase moment', it's more like stress over make up and hair and hurriedly trying to apply false eyelashes with minutes to go. Despite the stress.. I suppose it was fun to see the people I've known since I was eleven looking like disney princesses...

Truthfully: I will miss high school. I'll miss sitting on the bus when it's dark and arguing about whether the windows should be open or closed (closed of course!). I'll miss those lessons that aren't really important, meaning that you can spend them talking or scrolling through the Topshop website. I'll miss water fights on the field in summer and avoiding snowballs in winter. I'll even miss wearing uniform! Having to pick an outfit each day in college will be torture after the security of my blue stripy tie (complete with holes from attempts to set them on fire with a magnifying glass in year 7). I'll especially miss the endless pockets of a blazer.... where will I keep my phone???

My blog has documented three of my most crucial years at high school, and if I can bare to go back and read embarrassing posts, I can see myself growing up. The next two years of my life will be spent in a new environment at college, and although I'm nervous I'm kind of excited to see how things change. Maybe I will finally decide what I actually want to write about.

PS: I kind of like this photo even though it's really blurry because I actually look happy. I favour candid photos of people because I think that's when you can truly see how they were feeling...

leaving high school

I spent five hours sitting in in a huge park with everybody in my year, listening to bad music through an equally as bad speaker as huge rain clouds drew closer. As I sat there in my purple leavers hoodie (which I was reluctant to get in the first place due to the fact it screams "I am sixteen!"), I realised I was bored.

There are many moments in life that are built up to be 'perfect', and we are supposed to treat those like they are sacred, worthy of a movie screen moments. You are supposed to laugh and act like everything is perfect and that you feel completely content.. but I have realised that I never do. It is always those events that are planned so much they're almost scripted that I look around at everyone smiling and wonder if I'm the only one who wants to go home. On the leavers photo day, while everyone posed in groups, I pretended to enjoy myself while inside I just kept thinking about how much I didn't want to be there. When my friends are dancing at parties to bad remix's of songs that were already bad in the first place, I wonder how they manage to feel so care free.

My favourite memories are those that happen in ordinary situations, when I'm not expecting anything life changing to occur. When thing go so wrong that it's funny or when a new inside joke is created. I've found that my favourite days are when I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe. Of course I will miss high school, but I will miss hushed laughter in lessons, wasting time walking around school instead of going to Business Studies and doing absolutely nothing in art lessons more than I will miss events with my entire year group.

I was thankful when the temperature fell drastically on that day and the sky became almost black from the dark clouds so that everybody went home. It was a relief as I was saying goodbye and pretending that I cared I was walking away, when in reality I couldn't wait to sit in my friends living room watching Guy Tang transform fried hair into flawless hair. 
It feels so strange that I have sat in my 30 minute leavers assembly and laughed at year 7 photos, knowing I will never know these people in the same way again. I have scrawled 'good luck!' with sharpie on school shirts and had the pen bleed through the fabric to stain my skin. I've sat in a field wearing my leavers hoodie and talked about the courses I'm taking at college and how much I don't want to open my GCSE results. I've sat in silence for hours in an attempt to include as many key words as possible in answers, even if the sentences don't actually make sense. My biggest regret is that I did not revise once although I don't know if that's something I should include on my blog.. 

Right now my life seems to have no purpose, which is a huge relief from the months of stress and trying to sleep while panicking about art coursework. All I can do now is dread the 20th of August when I have to live with whatever mistakes I made. My biggest worry is my English Language grade after I panicked in the exam and didn't really answer any questions properly (I have literally cried over this... in the shower of course). 

I have also been in and out of job interviews, each time being rejected in favour of somebody with experience. It is now that I hate myself for doing work experience in an office rather than a shop, which would have made me look more employable for the role of 'customer assistant'.

Over the summer I am hoping to improve my blog and actually post (!!!). After all, I have so much time....