Monday, 2 March 2015

lost for words

Lately I have found myself at a loss for words. I say lately but the reality is that I've been feeling somewhat mute for months now. I can barely describe the emptiness that consumes my mind where there was once an endless collection of thoughts and words that begged and pleaded to be written down. I once channelled this into my blog, finding comfort in publishing the things that plagued my mind and setting them free into the world where I no longer had to deal with them. It was my therapy; once I clicked publish, I was met with response from people who felt the same way, and that made me feel normal. Suddenly I was able to partly control the chaos of my mind, cherry picking the most prominent thoughts that I could use to inspire at least four paragraphs, and then be done with it. Until my mind went silent.

When I was younger, I used to laugh a lot. At five years old I was regularly sent out of the swimming pool because I couldn't keep a straight face while the teacher was trying to get me to do back stroke. I would fall back into the water and experience the pain of chlorine stinging my eyes and water choking me as my lungs screamed for oxygen. The teachers would pull me out and re-adjust my armbands, and I would start laughing all over again. Despite how irritating I was to anybody within a two metre radius, I was a happy child. I saw the funny side of everything and up until the age of fourteen I found myself giggling uncontrollably at things that nobody else found amusing at all. Some people can pinpoint a day when their life changed, and to me it's when nothing seemed funny anymore.

I hear other people's high school stories and feel myself brimming with envy at how happy their memories sound. I love to hear the nostalgia in their voice as their mind runs over the places they used to go and the inside jokes that had them laughing in the middle of an exam. It feels like I don't have these memories, even though I know I do. Maybe I can't remember it so quickly because I'm still living it. I know all the places I go and the inside jokes and the things I waste my money on, but it's so hard to view them in a positive way because it's just my life.

I want to remember these days so much, and it only hits me that I can't control their passing by when my friend tells me her stomach constantly feels like she's on a roller coaster due to constant butterflies, while I feel completely empty. I envy their care free happiness while I am struggling to understand why I don't feel anything at all. The reason I communicate this to my blog is because I want to document everything. Often I find myself on blogs that have been abandon since 2009, yet I am drawn to the honesty and reality the writers portray to their audiences of five people. The fact I have never met another blogger makes it easier for me to write so personally, because I like the comfort of knowing I won't have to face them.

My blog is important to me, and I do love the blogging world and everything surrounding it, however I struggle to keep it consistent. I know nobody is waiting anxiously for my next post, but I constantly put so much pressure on myself. I find myself counting up the simple tasks like answering emails and publishing a post and transforming them into complex challenges that require exceptional skill that I do not have. Basically, little tasks have become impossible and everything is overwhelming. This isn't even just in blogging now, I no longer want to do simple things like text people back, go out, do my nails or even eat sometimes. Although it sounds ridiculous, everything just seems so difficult and I am finding myself months behind on coursework and weeks late for my friends birthday presents. I have never been like this before, and I don't understand what changed.

I don't really know what this post was supposed to achieve, as of late I've been opening blogger and typing non stop until it seems I've come to a conclusion, rather than posting anything that's even vaguely planned out. I hope you can understand that somehow posting this makes me feel better. I feel as if I've achieved something which gives me an undeserved sense of purpose... I'm not even making sense to myself at this point.

I'm really trying to improve myself and become somebody who can put more effort into things, like revising and blogging and actually caring about anything.. In the world of Laura everything is so intense right now. High school is ending and everywhere I look it seems to be another countdown of days or lessons remaining until I'm forced to leave and move onto something else. Last week I had the first of my college interviews which went okay despite an awkward handshake that seemed to shatter my bones. On Wednesday I have the interview of the college I actually want to go to which is incredible daunting and I feel like there is no hope for me once they compare my predicted grades to my mock results (my D in art doesn't really measure up to the B I'm supposed to be achieving by now..). On top of that I have my art exam next week. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I HATE ART. 

Overall I'm a pretty stressed person right now... Maybe I should return to writing my Spanish coursework WHICH IS DUE SOON AS WELL. 

4 comments:

  1. I don't really know how to put this into words but I just wanted you to know that I completely understand what you're trying to say. It all seems to get too much sometimes and you just don't know what to do anymore. It's like you desperately want to improve who you are and you're trying so damn hard yet it's still not good enough, and you start to wonder will it ever be good enough? I've been feeling the same lately so I guess what I'm trying to say is you're not alone in this. I don't have any ground-breaking advice that will change your outlook but maybe knowing someone else understands will be somewhat helpful. Honestly if you need to vent and get your feelings out, I'm here.

    -Nabeela xo
    http://nabsticle.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Nabeela you are truly one of the sweetest people I've ever come across through blogging and I hope you know that! You have completely understood what I'm trying to say and I want to thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not so crazy haha.
      Thank you so so so so so much and I'm honestly here for you too!
      <3

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  2. Create a 'happy jar' and fill it with one piece of paper for every day, having written at least one thing you'd like to look back on :) As for the school side of things, it would be good if they warned us about the truth in those fairytale-ending films, but please trust me when I say you're not alone in it. This blog is yours, so it can be used for whatever you want to use it for, whether that be having a goal in sight or simply to get things off your chest. It really is a great method of relieving some of those terrible feelings, but personally I think your writing is just as good as it was before, so there;s no need to worry about that.

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    1. I did that in 2013! I loved the idea and it's great to look back on but unfortunately I am so lazy and cannot commit to it hahaha. Although I will give it another go because I have a terrible memory and definitely need to find another way to preserve my memories.
      Thank you so much for your comment, you made me smile :)

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