Saturday, 7 March 2015

life through windows

Within the next year, my life is going to change a lot. My surroundings will change in almost every way, although I'll still live in the same place, I won't see the same people every day. Lately everything has been a blur of countdowns. '5 lessons until your exam! Three months until you leave!', and it's stressing me out. For five years I've drifted along in a blur of ignorance, unable to imagine life outside of high school. I never thought I would leave, but the inevitable is drawing closer and now all I can think is that I wish I hadn't taken it for granted. This has been playing on my mind a lot lately.

Last night at 2am, somehow I found myself on a youtube video of Oprah's 'Aha!' moments. (Don't ask how I even got myself there). Anyway, I learnt something very valuable from that youtube video. At 2 in the morning while the rest of my family were asleep, I sat in my bedroom re-playing a moment that happened years ago, and felt everything almost click into place.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different".
For so long I have tortured myself over intricate details that I thought had ruined everything, when in reality, I don't know that it did. How do I know things wouldn't have self destructed anyway? I must remind myself to let things go rather than constantly holding onto them.

Along with a life lesson, last night I also came across some photos that had been lost within laptop files, each one taken through some kind of window. To maintain tradition of my blog and be unreasonably deep: I hope that I stop living life looking through windows this year, and actually live..

Thursday, 5 March 2015

my favourite songs

I love music. There is nothing else in the world that can give me that weird energetic high of excitement that I imagine some people get from watching their favourite football team play. Perhaps due to the obsession/infatuation I have with music, I think the only way to truly know somebody (or me at least) is to know their favourite songs. I love discovering what people play when they're angry or sad or happy, because it's within the lyrics that you find out how they really feel and the things they truly want to say.

In an attempt to completely reveal my personality to anybody who finds themselves on my blog, I want to share my ever growing, main Spotify playlist. Unfortunately at the time of creation, I had no intention of sharing it with the world, so rather than a witty name the title is a collection of letters, brought together by me slamming my hand on my keyboard. 

Truthfully, I never really reveal my oddest music tastes to anybody. I see music as something personal.. maybe because my taste is very..... diverse..... This playlist demonstrates that, but it's pretty much all of my favourite songs. I will warn you, this is mainly Michael Jackson, mixed with Fall Out boy and My Chemical Romance, but there are a few great songs on there too!

A few of my absolute favourites are:
  • 'Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes' by Fall Out Boy, which is my ultimate teenage song. I play this whenever I'm in a bad mood or feeling vaguely annoyed at something.
  • 'Bulletproof Heart' by My Chemical Romance. I could pick any MCR song due to the fact they're probably my all time favourite band. They're the first band I became properly obsessed with and the first concert I ever went to at the age of twelve. This was the  last song they played and I remember feeling so overwhelmed with adrenaline and excitement that I can't quite shake the feeling whenever I listen to them to this day. It's kind of bittersweet to listen to them now due to the fact the band split up, but I still love the songs.
  • Dirty Diana - Michael Jackson. I'm a big MJ fan so it's hard to pick just one to talk about, but this is probably one of my all time favourites. I have ALOT of MJ on this playlist.. be warned.
  • Northern Downpour - Panic! At The Disco. I know I've now included all bands in the holy emo trinity but what did you expect from a former emo kid? I wish I didn't but I love this song. It's one of those songs that I feel every word was written for me.
  • Dancing on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie. I don't even care if this isn't a 'cool' song, I love it. It's my main happy song.

I hope you enjoy my playlist, and don't think I'm too weird... I'd love to know what your favourite songs are, feel free to comment your ultimate angry/sad/happy/weird playlist!

Monday, 2 March 2015

lost for words

Lately I have found myself at a loss for words. I say lately but the reality is that I've been feeling somewhat mute for months now. I can barely describe the emptiness that consumes my mind where there was once an endless collection of thoughts and words that begged and pleaded to be written down. I once channelled this into my blog, finding comfort in publishing the things that plagued my mind and setting them free into the world where I no longer had to deal with them. It was my therapy; once I clicked publish, I was met with response from people who felt the same way, and that made me feel normal. Suddenly I was able to partly control the chaos of my mind, cherry picking the most prominent thoughts that I could use to inspire at least four paragraphs, and then be done with it. Until my mind went silent.

When I was younger, I used to laugh a lot. At five years old I was regularly sent out of the swimming pool because I couldn't keep a straight face while the teacher was trying to get me to do back stroke. I would fall back into the water and experience the pain of chlorine stinging my eyes and water choking me as my lungs screamed for oxygen. The teachers would pull me out and re-adjust my armbands, and I would start laughing all over again. Despite how irritating I was to anybody within a two metre radius, I was a happy child. I saw the funny side of everything and up until the age of fourteen I found myself giggling uncontrollably at things that nobody else found amusing at all. Some people can pinpoint a day when their life changed, and to me it's when nothing seemed funny anymore.

I hear other people's high school stories and feel myself brimming with envy at how happy their memories sound. I love to hear the nostalgia in their voice as their mind runs over the places they used to go and the inside jokes that had them laughing in the middle of an exam. It feels like I don't have these memories, even though I know I do. Maybe I can't remember it so quickly because I'm still living it. I know all the places I go and the inside jokes and the things I waste my money on, but it's so hard to view them in a positive way because it's just my life.

I want to remember these days so much, and it only hits me that I can't control their passing by when my friend tells me her stomach constantly feels like she's on a roller coaster due to constant butterflies, while I feel completely empty. I envy their care free happiness while I am struggling to understand why I don't feel anything at all. The reason I communicate this to my blog is because I want to document everything. Often I find myself on blogs that have been abandon since 2009, yet I am drawn to the honesty and reality the writers portray to their audiences of five people. The fact I have never met another blogger makes it easier for me to write so personally, because I like the comfort of knowing I won't have to face them.

My blog is important to me, and I do love the blogging world and everything surrounding it, however I struggle to keep it consistent. I know nobody is waiting anxiously for my next post, but I constantly put so much pressure on myself. I find myself counting up the simple tasks like answering emails and publishing a post and transforming them into complex challenges that require exceptional skill that I do not have. Basically, little tasks have become impossible and everything is overwhelming. This isn't even just in blogging now, I no longer want to do simple things like text people back, go out, do my nails or even eat sometimes. Although it sounds ridiculous, everything just seems so difficult and I am finding myself months behind on coursework and weeks late for my friends birthday presents. I have never been like this before, and I don't understand what changed.

I don't really know what this post was supposed to achieve, as of late I've been opening blogger and typing non stop until it seems I've come to a conclusion, rather than posting anything that's even vaguely planned out. I hope you can understand that somehow posting this makes me feel better. I feel as if I've achieved something which gives me an undeserved sense of purpose... I'm not even making sense to myself at this point.

I'm really trying to improve myself and become somebody who can put more effort into things, like revising and blogging and actually caring about anything.. In the world of Laura everything is so intense right now. High school is ending and everywhere I look it seems to be another countdown of days or lessons remaining until I'm forced to leave and move onto something else. Last week I had the first of my college interviews which went okay despite an awkward handshake that seemed to shatter my bones. On Wednesday I have the interview of the college I actually want to go to which is incredible daunting and I feel like there is no hope for me once they compare my predicted grades to my mock results (my D in art doesn't really measure up to the B I'm supposed to be achieving by now..). On top of that I have my art exam next week. I don't think I've mentioned this before but I HATE ART. 

Overall I'm a pretty stressed person right now... Maybe I should return to writing my Spanish coursework WHICH IS DUE SOON AS WELL.