Monday, 17 November 2014

oh nostalgia I don't need you anymore


Do you ever see a photo of yourself that was taken a few days before something significant happened in your life, and just stare at it? I've found myself transfixed on images of my younger, smiling face; a version of myself that is clueless as to what's going to happen next. I almost feel protective over myself, wishing I could offer advice to my younger self through my phone screen.

I am currently living my last few months of high school and although I know I should be enjoying the last months of being a teenager, I can't help feeling oddly nostalgic and very sad about the whole thing. Part of me is desperate to move on and leave, but the other part is wishing that I could re live it and do everything differently.

I wish I had taken thing the drama less seriously, and taken the work more seriously. I wish I had cared less and done the things I really wanted to do. I wish I had been more confident. More than anything I wish I had never let people walk all over me, and let them know it wasn't okay before they got used to it. Sadly, no matter how many times I wish things had gone differently, I can't change the fact that they didn't.

The thing about time is that you can't control it, yet it is so unpredictable. Sometimes a second feels like a year, and years fly by like days. Humans seem to be obsessed with the concept of time, living so strictly by its laws and cursing it whenever things go wrong. If you miss the train by 10 seconds, you retrace your steps and hate yourself for pausing to change the song on your iPod, or waiting to cross the road. On the other side, if you didn't wait you could be in hospital wishing your biggest issue was missing the train.

I am so fascinated by the unpredictability of life. You never know when something is happening for the last time. The last time you hear your favourite song, see your best friend, get on a plane. It seems that only the dying appreciate how valuable every second is. Unfortunately, despite how aware I constantly am of this fact, I cannot comprehend the value of life. Only occasionally I panic because I remember that my time on this planet is only temporary, and I don't know how or why or when it will end. The rest of the time I drift a long in a strange state of extreme awareness and ignorance, all at once.

Sometimes you realise what you should have said a year too late. Sometimes you're lying in bed when you realise that when they called to apologise you should have accepted it and laughed about what happened. It all seems simple when you look at it a year later, and you find yourself wishing that you just said no, or yes. The smallest details are so huge and you critique every thing that you did that lead to this moment.

 I wish that things weren't damaged beyond repair, and that I could start a conversation as if nothing happened, so everything fell back into place. I wish I had more happy photos and had spent less time wanting everything to end. However, wishing doesn't work and sometimes you have to take life as it comes.

Maybe it's necessary to cut the strings that are still tying you to your past sometimes, just to let yourself be free. Rather than hanging onto things that happened and forcing yourself to re live them, imagine if they didn't. Imagine a version of you that didn't learn those lessons or experience the thing that almost tore you apart. Sometimes it's better to move on.


6 comments:

  1. this sums up my feelings about the last months of year 11 so well-I am so sad to be leaving and terrified about not being in the security of 'proper-school' but so desperate to leave at the same time!
    brill post lovely,
    Katie x
    katie-louu.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. I feel exactly the same! It's so weird to think that high school is almost over!
      Thanks so much! <3

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  2. I agree. We take for granted that we can plan ahead for tomorrow, for next week, for next year. But can we really? Something could happen to me, to earth or universe the moment I hit the publish and nobody could predict that.

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    1. Exactly! That's exactly what I mean, life is so unpredictable it really is terrifying. Thanks for your comment <3

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  3. This post omg <3 You write so well! I'm in the year above you and know exactly what you mean. Trust me, it's so much better once you leave school and leave those people behind! People aren't used to treating you any certain way and you can set new perceptions of yourself right from the start at college.
    The difference 10 seconds can make is scary. I sometimes feel guilty for thinking things like that too, when those 10 seconds that make me miss the bus might be 10 far more valuable seconds for someone else. It's a strange world.
    Followed you on bloglovin!
    lily x
    www.jolihouse.com

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    1. First of all, thank you so much! You have no idea how happy your comment made me, so thanks. I really hope college is better, you've given me some kind of hope haha!
      Thank you again for this comment, you are a great person AND THANKS FOR FOLLOWING ME :) <3

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