Tuesday, 16 December 2014

The Kids Aren't Alright

There's something so special about hearing a song for the first time. The second verse is the unknown and the lyrics are like bible passages, entering your mind and teaching you things you never even thought of before. Love them or hate them, Fall Out Boy are a band that have never disappointed me in that respect. A lyric I thought was strange upon first hearing lingers in my mind until I've decoded it in a way that fits me and my life. I may never know what it was really supposed to mean, but once I've unravelled it from my perspective, it feels like I've analysed a whole Shakespeare play. I sometimes think that the only reason I can successfully write an essay analysing a film/book/poem, is because I've spent years attempting to do the same to Pete Wentz's lyrics.

This week, Fall Out Boy released another song from their upcoming album, named 'The Kids Aren't Alright'. When I heard it I immediately thought 'if my life had a soundtrack, I would want this to be the last song'. It made me think of walking off into the sunset as the credits roll and the audience breathes a sigh of relief at your character development or the happy ending. Although I know that life never ends at the happy moment. this song truly gave me hope for a moment.

This is one of those songs that makes me feel something I can't explain. It makes me desperate to see how things turn out, and it makes me feel like it's going to be okay. Although it is a song from a band I love, I don't feel the ecstasy and insanity of obsession any more. Within this song they became no longer the four personalities I spent my teenage years reblogging on tumblr or tweeting about, but just people playing the instruments. I'm not playing the song and thinking 'OH MY GOD I LOVE FALL OUT BOY', I'm thinking 'I love this song and the way it makes me feel'. This makes me feel like the maturity of their music isn't a bad thing, and just means the music is simply more important than the band. Does that even make sense? In my head it does. Basically, in the past when I would have thought about how much I loved a Fall Out Boy song, I now just love a song. The song overshadows the band, which I think is a good thing because it means it truly is good music, and I'm no longer appreciating it because of who wrote it.

It triggered so many thoughts in my head. One day you're going to be a fragment of somebodies fading memory, or simply a collection of pixels stored in a dusty photo album. It's tragic yet inevitable, that once you die your body will return to the flowers as life goes on above, without you. Sometimes I sit with my friends and I watch their teenage smiles, yet to experience the heartache and happiness their life will lead them to. I look at them and the only thing I can think is 'we're all going to die one day'. As depressing as that sounds, I've found it to be oddly calming. The one thing we all have in common is that we will all end, and it feels strangely content that they are the only three people in the world who truly know what it's like to sit on the floor of a corridor and laugh with me. We have this insane secret bond that nobody else will ever understand or experience, because they aren't laughing with us.

This sounds like rambling but the line 'all the people I saw in the old photograph are dead' provides me with a sense of serenity, because it reminds me that while somebody else is leading a chaotic life one day, I will simply be a person who once walked on the earth, merely a figure in a photograph to them. They won't know how I have a habit of playing with my hair when I'm nervous, or biting the inside of my cheek when I know someone's watching me. They won't know my sense of humour or the films that make me cry, and they definitely won't know how I felt when I heard a song I loved. To me, that is insanely reassuring. It doesn't matter that my spanish exam is tomorrow and I didn't revise, because I won't be remembered for that. I won't even be remembered at all. In the same way that they will never know about the time I looked okay at a party or told a joke that made everyone laugh. 

"I still feel that rush in my veins"

I love hearing peoples stories. I loved when my granddad used to walk through the supermarket and laugh to himself about things his old friends used to do, while I tried to imagine him without grey hair. I love my mums rebellious high school stories and my dads memories of old rock concerts. I love when my sister tells me things she hopes I'll learn from or when my brother tries to make me laugh. I think that you can truly know somebody, not through the stories themselves, but through the type of stories they tell. I used to listen to a band who spat out such angry words and told me stories of betrayal, lies and heartbreak that me, an angry teenager, fell in love with and turned up when I didn't want to hear anyone else's voice. Since then I have become accustomed to their sad stories and found myself lost in miserable lyrics with an upbeat melody in the background. To hear this song, which I interpret as reflection and a love letter to the past, came as a shock. I am so used to hearing songs of discomfort or hatred for a situation, and the contrast from that to a song praising the past was strange for me.

Hearing somebody reflect upon their past is so tragic. Moments that are now lost in time were once within their reach, and it breaks my heart to know that they would change things if possible. Sometimes you will curse yourself because of a stupid mistake for years, and other times you can get up and laugh it off. I feel like FOB have often been a 'laugh it off' kind of band, so it's refreshing that along with the obvious change in their sound, they've changed their perspective. Although this may be incorrect, this is how I, as a fan, interpret the song.

For the past two years I haven't been feeling myself, although maybe that means I have changed in a way I was unprepared for. Despite previously fearing change, I now crave it, wishing it would enter my life and alter me. Feeling like somebody who is half there is very strange, and sometimes I wonder if anything is even worth it any more. Hearing the lyrics 'and in the end, I'd do it all again' struck a chord in me, so strongly it was like butterflies in my stomach, the same way I felt when I first heard 'doc there's a hole where something was', which shocked me at the time because it seemed to put my feelings into words. It was like somebody had picked me up by my shoulders and shook me, screaming 'it's going to be okay!'. Somehow, being told that the ride is worth it by a band who's lyrics I have used as my shield for years meant more than it would have meant coming from anyone else. Maybe every tear and every day of dragging yourself out of bed will be worth it in the end. Maybe you'll realise that all the moments of muscle-pulling laughter were worth those of sitting on the shower floor, empty of hope.

I often talk about the power of music, but sometimes it is forgotten. If anything can remind you how important music is, I hope my spontaneous essay/diary entry/rambley mess can be that.

Empty your sadness like you're dumping your purse on the bedroom floor.

Image source: alternative press

Friday, 12 December 2014

end of all things

Do you ever hear a song, and suddenly it's as if every fibre of your body has been replaced with something different? It might be the hottest day of the year, and the sunlight may be falling onto your skin as you attempt to ignore the sound of an ice cream van, but pressing play on a particular song will transport you into a January snow storm. I can't even explain the power that music has over my emotions. If you play 'Save it for the bedroom' by You Me At Six, somewhere inside I'll feel the same way I did in year 6, sitting in my friends living room and watching Kerrang! TV for hours. Whenever My Chemical Romance come on, it's as if I'm once again a pre-teen wearing ripped skinny jeans and screaming my heart out in Manchester Arena, as Gerard Way sings the words back to me and I pray to be noticed by him. There's a kind of energy bestowed in a melody that means so much more than a place in the Top 40 chart.

The reason I have been pondering this lately, is because I re-discovered an album I forgot about. For some reason the last song caught my attention, and I played it on repeat for the rest of the night. It makes me think of looking through frosted windows and being able to see my breath against the darkness. It's like I can smell fried doughnuts in the cold, fun fair air and I'm back in a crowded cinema, giggling to Breaking Dawn. Strangely, the song hadn't even been released at the time, yet it makes me think of those days. 

Although time travel is currently unrealistic, music provides something so close. It gives you the same feeling you get when you walk past a stranger wearing the same perfume your best friend used to wear in high school, and suddenly all the memories of teenage summers and tears come flooding back. It's like you've opened a door to another version of yourself, and for a moment your body is full of the same butterflies and happiness you had at the time.

There are songs that I remember playing through my smashed iPod, under the covers at 3am, or on the bus as I attempt to ignore screaming year 7's and try to contain the excitement from feeling as if the lyrics were written for me. Even auto-tuned, tremendously bad pop music that I swear to hate makes think of being crammed in my bedroom with my best friends, pretending to be adults while getting ready for a 13th birthday party; the radio playing in the background of our laughter. I feel oddly protective of tragic 2009 club anthems I remember being sent via Bluetooth on my pink Samsung phone in primary school. There are songs that make me miss staying out too late and walking home in the dark.

Although hearing 'Let It Go' now makes me want to hit my head against a wall, it makes me feel weirldy content that in 10 years, a child who is currently 5 will hear it and think of the innocence of being so young. It's this generations 'Hakuna Matata' or whatever Disney song you grew up screeching. Music is the one constant in most of our lives, it is what moulded you into who you are today. When I leave high school in a few months, I'm going to listen to the High School Musical sound track and reflect on how different those films were to my actual experience, and how cheated I felt on my first day almost 5 years ago.

Maybe one day I'll be an adults, and my current favourite song will come on, on one of those bad radio stations for adults re living their youth. Maybe I'll be reminded of minty bubblegum, long walks home and laughing in freezing classrooms with my friends. Or maybe I'll immediately think of exam stress, feeling left out and missing the bus. I hope I have more happy memories to look back on than sad ones.

Sunday, 30 November 2014

blurry photographs and cold days

I admire people who can something so simple into art. Whether it's food, music, writing, fashion or make up, I find it so interesting that the things some people think of as boring or normal, others view as a blank canvas for them to display their creativity. With so many social media platforms these days, it seems that everybody can be an artist. The problem is, this leads to so many people taking things like instagram seriously, as if it was their job. I've seen arguments over shout outs and insecurity about follower count, which seems slightly crazy to me. 

While our parents used to take photos to store in photo albums that only see daylight every few years, spending the rest of the time gathering dust, this generation seems to share everything online. As long as it has an appropriate filter, there are no boundaries. Social media is the home for millions of teenagers captioning everything '#likeback' to seem popular to people they'll never meet.

Although I am impressed with people who are able to take flawless, HD photos that look as if they have been taken through someone's eyes, it is not something that I can achieve. I've decided to embrace my lack of talent, rather than feeling left out amongst the talented members of the blogging community.
Sometimes the best photos are the ones where the lighting is wrong and you forgot to alter the focus, because you know that behind the blurry pixels is a shooting star or your 16 year old face laughing about a joke you can't remember. I tend to favour photos that were rushed because otherwise the moment would go, rather than those that I spent so long trying to get perfect.

I was walking home last week and I decided to attempt to capture the moment in a photo. I didn't even stop to take them, partly for the sake of the photo and partly because it would be embarrassing if someone I knew saw me. Despite the fact I will be offending someone with my lack of photography skills, I kind of love how they turned out. This is the kind of photo I'll see in years to come, and still remember how freezing I felt.

Reminding myself that I don't need to fit a mould while blogging has helped me to write about the things I want to, rather than what I think will get the most readers. If you think something is right, then do it, no matter how small.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

a guide to healing yourself

It's engraved in our codes to have a slightly imperfect life, yet nobody embraces it. We've been raised on movies that make life seem like it should be perfect, so we blame ourselves when it's not, and we convince ourselves that something is wrong. Lately it seems that my blog has transformed into a study on weird human behaviour, but I can't help but be fascinated with the strange things we do. Unlike other animals, we don't seem to be able to get up and carry on as easily. We need to build ourselves back up before we can try again, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's something to admire in people who have been through the worst and still fight back, every time. 

I'm currently in the process of attempting to become happier, and I know this is a goal for most people too. Whether you're going through a challenging time, or just don't feel too great, I really hope I can be some help to you.

I am so frustrated by people who tell me "happiness is a choice!", as if I am choosing to feel this way. I understand that positive quotes and the possibility of a better day isn't going to help, so I have attempted to devise a list of things that will guide you on your way. 

  • Re-discover things that you once loved. Watch a film you loved as a child or visit your old favourite place. Things that provided happiness and comfort in your past are likely to do the same now, so take some time to find them again.
  • Find new things that you love, too. Learn to paint or remix classical music, bake, write a book, make a short film. Don't take it too seriously and treat it like therapy. Tell yourself that this is going to help you on the road to becoming a better person. Life is so long sometimes, it's good to have something to fill the void, and it's always good to learn something new anyway.
  • Read. Sometimes all I need is to escape between the pages of a book to feel okay again. There's also something so satisfying about the sense of accomplishment that finishing a whole book can give you. Learn from the characters and carry their story with you for the rest of your life.
  • Change something around you - or everything! When I'm stressed I take down all the pictures in my room and replace them with new ones. I move my furniture and change my bedding, and sometimes I dye my hair. An instant change is so refreshing, and it's not something we should be afraid of. 
  • Wake up early and let yourself feel the serenity that being the only person awake in the house supplies you with. Use the time to make your morning easier. Make something interesting or complicated for breakfast, or do your hair differently. 
  • Eat healthily - but eat what you want. When I'm not living on chocolate and microwave rice, I have more energy and I generally feel better. Still allow yourself to eat what you want. Don't calorie count or worry about carbs, it will only add more stress into your life. If you want to eat a whole back of biscuits then do it because you deserve to, but try to make a concious effort to add more healthy foods to your diet.
  • Make a happy playlist. Sometimes I don't need the help of a friend or family member, I just want to be comforted by music. Play anything upbeat or positive, whether it's ABBA or One Direction. Music is so powerful in the sense that it can really transform your mood, that there's really no time to be a music snob when you're sad. If it makes you smile: play it.
  • Have a shower! If I ever feel like the stress is too much, I let the water burn my skin as I drown my sorrows in Snow Fairy shower gel. Spend 10 minutes or an hour letting the steam be your therapy. Imagine that as you're scrubbing your skin, you're scrubbing your problems away, watching them run down the drain.
  • Sleep. Sleep is the best escape, because it's as if you don't exist for that time. Put on your favourite pyjamas and let yourself drift away, giving your mind and body the rest it needs to carry on.
  • Give yourself time. Don't be angry at yourself for taking so long to be okay again, be patient. Use this time to learn about yourself and teach yourself to be happy.

Life is so unpredictable that we never know what's around the corner. If you're reading this and things don't seem to fit right now, I truly hope that soon you feel so immensely happy that you wake up every day smiling. Please remember that I'm only an email away at any time, and I will always listen.
I hope your week was amazing, and if not, lets both try again next week.

Monday, 17 November 2014

oh nostalgia I don't need you anymore

Do you ever see a photo of yourself that was taken a few days before something significant happened in your life, and just stare at it? I've found myself transfixed on images of my younger, smiling face; a version of myself that is clueless as to what's going to happen next. I almost feel protective over myself, wishing I could offer advice to my younger self through my phone screen.

I am currently living my last few months of high school and although I know I should be enjoying the last months of being a teenager, I can't help feeling oddly nostalgic and very sad about the whole thing. Part of me is desperate to move on and leave, but the other part is wishing that I could re live it and do everything differently.

I wish I had taken thing the drama less seriously, and taken the work more seriously. I wish I had cared less and done the things I really wanted to do. I wish I had been more confident. More than anything I wish I had never let people walk all over me, and let them know it wasn't okay before they got used to it. Sadly, no matter how many times I wish things had gone differently, I can't change the fact that they didn't.

The thing about time is that you can't control it, yet it is so unpredictable. Sometimes a second feels like a year, and years fly by like days. Humans seem to be obsessed with the concept of time, living so strictly by its laws and cursing it whenever things go wrong. If you miss the train by 10 seconds, you retrace your steps and hate yourself for pausing to change the song on your iPod, or waiting to cross the road. On the other side, if you didn't wait you could be in hospital wishing your biggest issue was missing the train.

I am so fascinated by the unpredictability of life. You never know when something is happening for the last time. The last time you hear your favourite song, see your best friend, get on a plane. It seems that only the dying appreciate how valuable every second is. Unfortunately, despite how aware I constantly am of this fact, I cannot comprehend the value of life. Only occasionally I panic because I remember that my time on this planet is only temporary, and I don't know how or why or when it will end. The rest of the time I drift a long in a strange state of extreme awareness and ignorance, all at once.

Sometimes you realise what you should have said a year too late. Sometimes you're lying in bed when you realise that when they called to apologise you should have accepted it and laughed about what happened. It all seems simple when you look at it a year later, and you find yourself wishing that you just said no, or yes. The smallest details are so huge and you critique every thing that you did that lead to this moment.

 I wish that things weren't damaged beyond repair, and that I could start a conversation as if nothing happened, so everything fell back into place. I wish I had more happy photos and had spent less time wanting everything to end. However, wishing doesn't work and sometimes you have to take life as it comes.

Maybe it's necessary to cut the strings that are still tying you to your past sometimes, just to let yourself be free. Rather than hanging onto things that happened and forcing yourself to re live them, imagine if they didn't. Imagine a version of you that didn't learn those lessons or experience the thing that almost tore you apart. Sometimes it's better to move on.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

thoughts on blogs

*irrelevant photo because I am useless*

When I started blogging my biggest inspirations were the cutesy, floral themed blogs with perfect quality photos of lipsticks along with a paragraph on how cosy they were in their new Cath Kidston pyjamas. After a year, I've began rolling my eyes at posts that seem to be trying too hard to portray the perfect life and I'm over endless reviews of the same product. I haven't been blogging for long enough to see the rise and fall of blogs, but the magic does seem to have worn off slightly for me.

Don't get me wrong, I still love doing this, but not in the same way.
My inspiration now comes from LiveJournal entries published in 2004, filled with spelling mistakes and written by my favourite bands before their rise to fame, or old newspaper articles that give you a strange sense of pride because you know what happens the next day, and how clueless the journalist is. My point is, so many people seem to be afraid to write something even slightly different from the most popular blogs. We all seem to be trying to mimic each other rather than creating something unique and interesting.

I want to see bloggers that let the world around them influence what they share on the internet, rather than feeling obliged to stick to the unwritten set of 'rules'. Everybody's life is different, we all have secret obsessions and talent and I think it's a shame that so many people neglect their individuality just so they can fit a certain mould. It's extremely relevant in the way that lifestyle bloggers seem to be blogging about someone else's life because they're afraid to tell the whole story in fear that they might come across as unprofessional or strange. This is a hobby that's built around each of us, so take the thing that makes you you and use it to give you an edge.

It now seems almost weekly that I see a tweet commenting on how 'tacky' and 'terrible' certain blog designs are, simply because they aren't a particular persons taste. I won't even start on the endless photography debate, although I will say: ignore people who turn their nose up at photos taken with anything less than a cannon 600D - frankly it's scary that blurry photos on other peoples blogs are the worst of their worries. I love the blogging community, I really do, but it makes me sad to see people putting other peoples choices down. When it comes to your blog, as long as you're not offending anybody, just do what you want. This is your personal, creative outlet for you to express yourself however you choose.

Please don't take this post the wrong way and think I'm trying to upset anybody. If you happen to love pink lipstick and spend hours photographing your collection on a floral background: DO IT! Embrace your individuality and write about what you love - I'm fully supportive of that. I'm just saying that there's no need to think that your blog has to be a certain way because that's what is popular.

I'd love to hear what other people think on this topic and I'm 100% open to other peoples opinions.

Don't worry about fitting the mould, make your own.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

in the middle of summer

I've been feeling a little lost for words lately, so I've abandon my blog for weeks. I really thought that August was going to be the month that I started to really get into a habit with blogging, but unfortunately life happened and I just neglected this space of the internet.

I spent the majority of the summer holidays on trains to and from Leeds with an assortment of friends and the plan to eat Asian food and walk around the city in search of the nicest smoothie. I realised that I live in the most boring place on earth and envied all the bloggers who live in the south, and their posts about their days in London. I've also found myself in TK Maxx alot lately, between work experience in June and now I have seen everything the home ware section has to offer, and laughed at some soap in a tacky box covered in cats. I walked through a field and past two men with GUNS (!!!) all for the special offer on Ben and Jerry's with my friend. I did absolutely no Spanish revision and I stressed about starting the final year of high school and having to leave and move on with my life.

I attended a party I was sceptical about and came home feeling like I loved everybody, despite my shoes being covered with mud and my hair being slightly more tangled than when I left.
It was only when I woke up that I realised it was just in the spur of the moment that I felt so content, and so I decided to make a real effort to sort myself out and be happy.

I found myself above the clouds in a metal box with wings.. if you can't tell I'm not a big fan of flying. It was worth it though because when the metal box of death landed, I stepped out under blue skies and I was surrounded by warm air and Spanish accents. The week was a blur of cold swimming pools and sun cream, and I fell asleep every night with the sound of Spanish buskers and ocean waves drifting through the window.

My happiest memories are simple things like trying every cocktail with my sister and failing at playing 'catch' in the pool, much to my brothers amusement. We also attempted to get the bus into a nearby town one day, and my Spanish (and social) skills were put to the test. Overall it was just fun.

I came home with a tan (which is something I never thought would happen) and a strange sense of serenity that only a week under the sun can provide. Then I was forced back into the land of fields and Yorkshire accents that I came from, knowing that in a matter of days it would be back to stripy ties and homework.

I think this Summer has been very average and I must remind myself to have more fun.. I hope you all had fun and have managed to settle back into regular life! Adios Amigos xoxo

Saturday, 6 September 2014

little girl you're in the middle

People seem to have an obsession with categorising themselves. You're either 'this' or 'that', you love it or you hate it. It's as if the world expects you to have a strong opinion about everything, and if you don't then your opinion isn't worthwhile.

This always leaves me feeling a little confused. I am not very opinionated, although there are some things I feel strongly about, I don't feel the need to have my say on everything. While 'big issues' like the 'Pepsi vs Coke' debate are important to others, but to me it's just something I haven't put much thought into.

Maybe it's for convenience; after all, saying 'I'm an introvert' is a lot easier to say than 'I prefer being alone', and it requires less of an explanation. But I've come to realise that that is not me. There are some incredible people in the world, and after meeting them I constantly crave their company, a chance to be in their presence once again. However, being surrounded by shitty people for so long has fooled me into thinking I prefer being alone, but now I know it's not true.

I like night time, but I also like day time. I have no preference between pepsi and coke and although I love being around people, sometimes I like to be alone. I don't know what my favourite season is or if I would rather be in hot or cold weather.

It's okay to love everything, or even to hate everything. If you give the world a chance and still don't know what to think then it's okay. Who cares? Who cares if you are so complex that you can't choose which box to tick on a buzzfeed quiz? Don't focus on labelling yourself when you could be so many things.

Putting people into a box only stops them from being their own person. If you expand your mind and open yourself to both options then you never know what fun you could have.

This post is a combination of 5am thoughts and a draft I found from months ago.. I hope it makes some kind of sense.

Monday, 4 August 2014

A year later

Don't get me wrong: I have a great life. I live in a safe area and have great family and friends who love me. I have a roof over my head, access to food and clean water and enough money to get by. I feel guilty talking about my problems when there are areas of the world that are at war right now, and tragedy is a daily occurrence. I am not writing this for sympathy, because I don't deserve it, or even want it. I'm writing this because, as I've said before, my blog is my outlet and it's therapeutic in a way to be able to organise my thoughts into paragraphs and then release it into the world and know it is no longer plaguing my mind. I'm a teenager and I know I will go through worse in my life, but this felt like a big deal at the time so I am writing about it..)

It was on this date last year that I pulled myself out of the pool of self pity I had been wallowing in (and the pyjamas I had been wearing for the past three days), and opened blogger to write a post.
Other than exceeding the acceptable number of days to go without getting dressed, that doesn't sound like anything 'ground-breaking', or worth remembering the date for. However, it was on this date that I decided to actually put some effort into my blog and try to make it work. At the time I was incredibly unhappy and I decided that suddenly more than ever, I needed something to occupy my time with other than watching sad films and staying in bed all day.

Flashback to four days earlier, I was in the most beautiful place I had ever been in my life. Mountains loomed in the background of the ocean, their dark silhouettes against a watercolour sunset. I imagined the worlds greatest artists struggling to do the sight justice. It felt like I had stepped into a painting where all the things I loved had been rolled into one beach front town. There was an endless array of unique, lively bars filled with tanned tourists as they sipped mojitos, and market stalls run by locals selling intricate looking jewellery and, sometimes strange, ornaments. The air was still warm even though the moon hung in the sky and children were still running along the beach, splashing the water and sending ripples across the reflection. It sounds like something from an exaggerating travel broacher, yet it was real and right in front of my eyes.

I could see how beautiful it was, and I knew I was incredibly fortunate to be there.. But I wasn't happy.

Explaining the ins and outs of what happened to the internet is something that seems very daunting and unlikely at this moment in time, but it's not really important anyway. Basically, I was incredibly sad. One thing I've noticed is that when you're sad in a beautiful place, it starts to seem less beautiful. The sun feels too bright, the music too loud and the people too happy. It was like my feelings were so strong they were starting to taint the world around me in a miserable shade of grey.

I didn't understand what was happening to me. It was as if my unhappiness was a disease and it was eating away at my whole body, changing me completely. Even when I went home I was in a paralysed state of misery and I couldn't shake the feeling. I wasn't Laura anymore, I was quieter and anxious and scared. I no longer made an effort to leave the house, and when I had to my mind was blank and I struggled to find the words to communicate with even my best friends. It was like I couldn't feel anything at all, and even laughing became a laborious task.

During a day when I was alone in my room, I was reading a post that Joni (who, by the way, I embarrassingly emailed when I very first started blogging, literally asking her to be friends.... wow) had written (on her old blog) about the #tblogger chats on twitter. I wanted to take part and so I created a twitter for my blog, to avoid any real life friends discovering it, and that night I joined in. I became fascinated with the fact that, behind the computer screen I was a miserable teenage girl, anxiously prodding my keyboard in response to these seemingly perfect bloggers, who probably had no idea how long I was taking trying to come up with the perfect reply; yet through the power of the internet I was able to create this 'persona' that was bubbly and happy. Joining in that chat was one of the best things I did that year.

At this time my escape was my blog. I could sort my thoughts into paragraphs and hit publish to be greeted with support from people who didn't even know me. If the blogging world got overwhelming I could click the 'x' in the corner. I could be somebody else, somebody who was confident and happy and completely different to the real me. If I had a bad day, I could come home and pretend it never happened and just write about a lipstick I liked. Blogging was so therapeutic and I became infatuated with everything surrounding it, especially the community.

Go back to August 4th 2013: I remember spending hours trying to take the 'right' photographs and fussing with the editing, fooling myself into thinking I knew what I was doing. Although that post is brief, it felt like if my life had a soundtrack then 'The Start of Something New' from High School Musical would be playing. There are no comments and I doubt that anybody even read it, but to me it was important and because of this is probably one of my favourite posts I've ever written (despite the terrible writing... if you read it don't go any earlier it is SO BAD).

I always thought that if things ever got better then I wouldn't need my blog anymore, but a year later I am happy and more Laura then I have ever been before, all thanks to everything this space of the internet has provided for me. Things are so good now, and it feels like I have been able to come out of my shell because of the confidence that blogging and the people I have met along the way have given me. The person I used to portray on twitter is now the real me, and all I needed was a confidence boost to make it happen.

Maybe somebody reading will be going through a similar thing, and in that case I offer some, possibly terrible (but hopefully not), advice:

Moving on is not easy. Saying goodbye to something that once brought you so much joy is not a case of 'getting over it' and it's not something you can be distracted from. Even a year on sometimes there are songs or photos that trigger a whole wave of emotions. Sometimes you'll be in the middle of a supermarket and you'll want to cry because you just spotted the sweets that you both used to like (lame, right?). There are days now when I am caught off guard when an old inside joke makes me laugh again or I remember making lists of sad movies to watch at 3 am with somebody who used to be close to me.

The quote 'don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened', never really made sense to me up until recently. 'Why wouldn't I cry if something is over?', I thought, 'How am I expected to be happy about letting go of it?'. It is only now that I realise that it takes a lot of strength and bravery to be able to say 'That part of my life is finished now, and I am choosing to be grateful for it rather than sad'. There is so much happiness to be found if you just look back on the past with happy memories rather than resenting the fact it will never come back.

Become your own best friend. Spend time discovering music that makes you feel alive, movies that change your life and books that make you feel as if every word was written for you. Build yourself back up into somebody better, somebody who you are proud to be and somebody who is ready to face the world, no matter how fragile you may feel. Test yourself, do something incredible and unexpected. Throw yourself into something new, rather than dwelling on the old. To me, the new was blogging and I am living proof that something as simple as pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet can make you happy.

Don't try to pretend it never happened. Embrace the past and all the embarrassing moments, the mistakes and the unfortunate events. You are a sculpture and life is an artist that is shaping you to become a breathtaking piece of masterpiece at the end. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is if none of this had happened, then I would never have created a twitter for my blog, joined in my first chat and discovered some of my 'bloggy friends' who have brought me so much happiness. If it wasn't for the thing that, at the time, felt like a mistake, I would probably have given up blogging by now. Now I find myself thinking 'wow, I'm so glad that happened because what I have now is so much better'. To be incredible annoying/cheesy and quote something I found on tumblr 'You can't have a rainbow without a bit of rain'.

It's been a whole year now, yet if I try hard enough it's as if I can still feel the sun on my face, and hear the sound of distant waves crashing on the beach along with loud music and voices from bars and restaurants. I can still smell expensive perfume intertwining with the sweet, sea air, and I can still remember how the intense unhappiness and discomfort felt in my chest. My emotions were tangled up in each other, at a time when I should have been on top of the world I was struggling to see any ray of happiness. If I try to remember then I can, but what I have learnt is that it is cruel to keep putting myself through that again and again just because I am able to. It is time to let go and look forward to whatever is next to come my way.

So there you go, a very rambley, nonsensical post from Laura... If you managed to make it this far then you probably deserve a medal.

If you want to read the post I wrote a year ago you can click here!

Friday, 1 August 2014

Books vs E-readers

I apologise for the state of my copy of the Chamber of Secrets and also for the terrible photography.. I will never learn.
Living in a world that depends on technology, although arguably capable of destroying our social skills, is actually pretty cool. I have written posts in the past that touch on the subject of technology and it's many uses (which you can read here and here) however I have recently been transfixed on one particular debate which I want to share my thoughts on. What is better, books or kindles? 

Like many people, the scent of a new book is incredibly nostalgic to me, bringing back memories of reading under my covers with a torch after bedtime as a child. Although that seems like such a clichĂ©, it's something that I imagine I am not alone in. Books provide an escape from reality (which is something my blogging friend Lauryn wrote about in an amazing and relatable post here). We are able to live vicariously through the characters on a page, in a similar way that a parent does through their child. There is something strangely satisfying about tackling a thick novel page by page, or marking your place with some kind of tacky bookmark or (for the other lazy people out there) folding down the corner of the slightly off white paper.

When the kindle was introduced society seemed to be torn into four groups over it:
  • Those who thought it was a joke
  • Those who hated the idea
  • Those who supported the idea
  • And those who didn't really care.
I personally was part of the first group, I remember seeing the advert and thinking it looked like somebody had ripped a page out of a book and stuck it to a bit of plastic. However, after one came into my possession I realised they were actually a good idea.

I can understand some of the arguments against it. For example, one of the Kindle's main advertising features is the 'no glare' screen which sounds impressive at first, right? But guess what else has no glare? A book. However I can also understand that this makes it superior to the likes of iBooks which was intended for reading on the shiny surface of an iPad/Phone/Pod. 

Many people were offended at the thought of books becoming extinct and never being able to experience the little quirks that only paperbacks have to offer, which tainted the vision of the kindle and created an army of people immediately against it. I think that because of this, the positives were forgotten and it became this 'evil robot book coming to take over the world'.. (maybe that's an exaggeration).

First of all, it saves paper. We're constantly bombarded with statistics about how many trees are cut down a day and told that we need to make a change immediately, yet still as humans we are so wasteful. I know that I am a hypocrite in this situation, and that debate is probably too big for even another blog post, but it seems strange to be so against something that isn't contributing to deforestation, yet still provides us with books.

I also find it to be very practical. Last year I got on a plane for the first time in my life and discovered the baggage limit (which seemed to test my limits). I found myself in a situation where I was deciding between taking an extensive, unnecessary amount of haircare products or an equally unnecessary amount of books. With a Kindle this is no longer a problem. (That sounded like an incredibly cheesy advert and I apologise.. wow..).

Something that pretty much everybody seems to suffer from is fear of change. Simple things like a new layout on twitter can cause a sense of uncertainty and it's actually kind of stupid. I used to hate change, but now I am more welcoming to it and the good that it can bring if you only allow it to. We get so comfortable in our routines and surroundings that small things can make it seem like the world has been turned upside down. I think that this is the main reason people hate E-Readers so much. The mere thought of something changing is enough for somebody to completely write off the idea of anything new.

The human race has developed an insane amount to get to the place we are in now. The technology that we have access to today has been in the dreams and imaginations of budding inventors and engineers for years. When you hold your phone you are literally holding somebodies life work in the palm of your hands. So, the next time you turn your nose up at something that is 'too futuristic' remember that we have waited years for this kind of thing to exist and that you should embrace it! Imagine what somebody from 100 years in the past would think... the word 'witchcraft' comes to mind..

Although I am fully supportive of the kindle craze, I still have a place in my heart for books and will continue to buy them. Where do you stand on this debate? Are you completely against E-Readers or do you prefer them to books? I am open to all opinions!

Sunday, 20 July 2014


Do you ever have moments where memories spring into your mind out of nowhere? I'll be on the bus or making breakfast, or something equally as insignificant, when suddenly I flashback into some moment I thought I'd forgotten about. This often ends in me bursting out into laughter (which attracts strange looks when on public transport...) or transforming into an old woman and needing to sit down to cope with the sudden wave of emotions. I have the memory of a goldfish, so it always takes me by surprise when I experience these 'random recalls' (is that a thing?). 

If you think about it, the fact that we can re-live moments in our mind at all is incredible, even if they're sometimes slightly 'fuzzy' and incorrect. It's like no matter what happens in the future, that event will be locked in your head until you forget it completely. Your memories really do die with you.

The sad thing is, sometimes the best experiences just become blurs of images in the back of your mind, where it's hard to reach that place properly and simple details like what colour t shirt you were wearing is forgotten. This is frustrating in cases where the memory was all you had left of that day or that person, and the facts are getting twisted in your brain until it's nothing like it was when it really happened. 

The thought that scares me the most is that one day, everything that I am living at the moment will also be forgotten. The stupid mistakes and the emotions that feel so intense right now will fade to nothing until they are no longer relevant or even possible for me to reach. There will come a day when I can't picture my high school friend's faces, and their voices no longer sound clear in my mind.

I am already terribly forgetful and I find myself in constant situations with my friends where I am insisting that something never happened, when in reality it did. I don't know why my memory is so bad, but I wish it wasn't. Having said that, after hearing of the condition 'Hyperthymia' I realised that I was okay with having a terrible memory. Hyperthymia is an extremely rare condition where certain individuals (only 33 recorded on earth!) can remember almost every moment of their lives. If you ask them questions like 'What shoes did you wear on November 18th 2006', they can tell you the answer without a second thought. These people can remember every moment of their lives.

I can't decide whether that would be very convenient or extremely traumatising. Imagine being able to recall your most embarrassing moments as if they were episodes of a TV show!

What do you think? Would you rather be slightly forgetful or able to memorise everything? Spanish exams would definitely be easier!

Sunday, 6 July 2014

Two weeks of chaos

Since I last blogged it feels like so much has happened. I have finished year 10 exams, meaning that I never have to do Statistics ever again! I celebrated by visiting TGI's with my best friend and watching the most talked about film of the year, The Fault In Our Stars. (which was okay.. get it?). Since then, school has seemed a lot calmer. With year 11's gone I am now amongst the oldest students which is crazy as it feels like year 7 was just yesterday. Along with being the new year 11 comes with the most important 'right of passage' in high school: sitting at the back of the bus, which is something we have waited patiently for until it was our turn. Yes, I know how sad that sounds but I can't deny how excited we were to finally sit at the most desired seat on a dirty school bus.

Last Monday I went to a sixth form taster day, as I am still in the process of deciding where I want to go after high school. The majority of people in my year are set on going to the nearest college which is huge (and right next to McDonalds..), however after my visit in February, I realised it wasn't really the place for me. After going to this sixth form I can now say it's where I want to go. I think that now I know this I'll have more determination to work hard, as I actually have some kind of plan now.

On Thursday last week after third period it became clear while staring at my time table, hoping it would change that I wasn't in the best mood to be doing P.E.. although having said that I never am. With the end of the school year slowly approaching, there always seems to be something going on in school that I can pretend to be a part of to avoid lessons, so I went on a search to find a room full of busy looking people. That day, it happened to be a year 6 fashion show from one of the local primary schools that was taking place in our theatre. Walking into the room I was met with lots of very short children who were (worryingly) running with scissors and attempting to make new outfits from the bin bags full of old clothes. Luckily I arrived at the end of the chaos and spent 5 minutes gluing sequins onto a bit of fabric before watching the dress rehearsal with a few of my friends who had been helping out all day. 

After deciding that 'wrecking ball' was not the most upbeat song for pre-teens to march down a catwalk to, my friend and I went into a room I had never been into before: the control room. A room with strict 'teacher only' access with the exception of two boys who know their way around the equipment as if it was the back of their hand. This was not a room I had ever had a chance to be in before, but nevertheless, we went in, plugged our phones into the speakers and started choosing incredibly inappropriate (but hilarious) songs; my personal favourite was 'Milkshake'..

Life has been pretty hectic lately but fun nevertheless. As of Monday I am on work experience for a week, which I am hoping is going to be fun. My best friend and I managed to get the same placement so I won't feel to awkward on my own.. After that is over I have one final week of school (which is off timetable so that means no work) until the summer holidays! I'm hoping to blog a lot more and avoid rambely posts like this. The reason I am including so much of my life is because in a way, my blog is like my own time capsule; I want to be able to re-read this in a few years and know exactly what I was doing at a certain time in my life, and hopefully nobody minds too much.

I hope you're all feeling less stressed now exam season is over! Have a great week (and I shall try to update this space of the internet more next week).

Saturday, 21 June 2014

it grows like fancy flowers but it grows nowhere

I've always been the kind of person who prefers to be alone. Although I love being surrounded by the energy of my friends, and falling into fits of laughter constantly, it can sometimes become very overwhelming and I need time to 'recharge' on my own. Many of the people in my life have big personalities that light up the room when they enter, and I've just never been that person. As much as I used to wish, as I invented a life inside my head where I wasn't so shy, I will never be the one to radiate confidence and happiness. These days I'm pretty content with this, however it can be hard for the more extroverted of people to understand, especially when I favour a night watching movies to 'being a teenager' and doing stereotypically rebellious things that I'm supposed to do at this age.

You'd think that my parents would be glad I was choosing quiet nights in my room over of loud parties often ending in disaster (I know from experience..), but no. I'm constantly told I need to escape my bedroom and live my life ("soak up some vitamin D" my Mum often tells me). I don't want to spend the rest of my teenage years being boring, but it's hard to find a balance between being comfortable and doing the things my friends want to do.

Today, after another week of stress due to a two and a half hour Spanish exam and yet more art coursework (it's never ending), I really wanted to spend the weekend doing absolutely nothing. After both my parents complained that all I was doing was sitting in bed on my laptop, I decided to face the outdoors. I haven't actually spent a lot of time in my garden since I was younger. Memories of picking the petals off of the roses my Dad has been growing in order to make 'perfume' with my sister (sorry Dad!) and using the hose as the ultimate water fight weapon are still some of my favourites from childhood summers, but since then I've spent more time elsewhere. I think we often forget that the best things in life are literally just outside of our doors, because returning to the patch of grass behind my house today was actually really relaxing and fun.

I spent the whole day drinking iced green tea (when it's hot it tastes like what I imagine the inside of a dishwasher would taste like) and reading, which makes me sound like someone's Grandma, but nevertheless, it was needed. One thing I did realise is that the whole conception of nature being 'peaceful' is completely wrong. I don't live in the wilderness, but insects and birds make a lot of noise which I think I usually tend to drown out.

Next week I have one GCSE exam and one mock and then I am done with Year 10 exams! I am celebrating on Tuesday by going to TGI Fridays (not on a Friday.. how hilarious..) and watching 'The Fault in Our Stars' like the rest of the world currently is, with my friend. I hope you are having a great weekend and aren't feeling too stressed about exams! Adios amigos

Monday, 16 June 2014

shopping my make up stash

The concept of 'Shopping your stash' is basically to explore our, sometimes excessive, make up collections and choose a few items that we don't give enough love to. It's a great way to re-discover products you forgot you had and previously loved (and it also ensures that you don't have a drawer full of thing you never use). Honestly, compared to the majority of bloggers my make up collections is rather small but I tend to gravitate towards the same things, meaning everything else gets left behind. I managed to select 5 products that don't get enough use, and make a concious effort to 'give them some more love'.
Benefit Bad Gal Lash mascara
I now have a grand total of three tubes of this mascara, which is definitely too much. Don't worry, I didn't buy them all, I received them as Christmas presents and haven't got around to using them up. This is a really good mascara, the wand is huge and it makes your lashes long yet kind of natural. I think it's perfect for school/work as it doesn't make your eyelashes resemble spiders legs.. (currently having war flashbacks to those days.. ew).
Rimmel Match Perfection Foundation
Rimmel used to have some kind of 'anti aging' (or something like that) foundation which I loved, even though I'm a teenager.. It didn't stick to dry patches and it gave a good, natural coverage.. yet they discontinued it. I bought this in October last year and upon first use I realised it was that foundation under a different name! Or at least it smells and feels the same.. I often forget about this due to my Mac Studio Sculpt, but since this is way cheaper it seems more appropriate for every day use. The only problems is it's slightly pink toned, and my skin (although as white as milk) is more on the yellow side..
Bourjois Color Boost lipsticks
I bought these last year when they started flooding the blogosphere, but I've only used the shade 'Peach On The Beach'. They're really moisturising and I love the colours, so I don't know why I never seem to reach for them. I don't wear lipstick on a daily basis anyway, but I'll be sure to get these out at the weekend (here I am.. pretending I have a social life).
Dainty Doll Blush shade 001
When I heard of the launch of 'Dainty Doll', it's fair to say I was excited. A whole make up brand dedicated to pale people?! I ordered this shade, trusting the colour on the website about two years ago and I was kind of disappointed when it arrived. It's pale purple and I had no idea how to wear it. I'm going to try again and see if I can get it to work.
Mac Eye Brow pencil? (The website doesn't say a name!)
My friend bought me this for Christmas, and I love it. It stays on all day and makes your eyebrows more natural and less.. slug like. I'm terrified of using it up so I turn to Benefit 'Brow-zing' more often, but I do want to use this more as it's so good. You can view the product here as I can't actually find the name for it.

Here's hoping I actually use these!

Saturday, 14 June 2014

bedroom inspiration

A boring photo of my own room

As a teenager it seems that having a messy room is simply a part of nature, along with hormones and bad skin (I am extremely jealous if you've survived your teenage years without spots). Although I pride myself in having an extremely tidy and organised wardrobe (it stresses me out when it's not!), the rest of my room is not exactly spotless. Don't get me wrong, it's not dirty.. just very messy. While sat around piles of clothes, an unmade bed, stacks of books and magazines as well as a seemingly endless amount of mugs, I like to escape into the world of tumblr where people display their flawless bedrooms for me to stare at with envy. I find a weird sense of comfort in watching room tours or stalking interior design blogs, because it provides a kind of 'escape' from my own boring room. I'm going to try and make an effort to make the space where I spend the majority of my time more interesting, so I thought it would be appropriate to write a post including some pictures that are inspiring me. As you can see, I tend to go for the rooms with walls covered in photos and tiny spaces full of stuff. I like the fact that you can see personality and life through the room, and it shows that it's actually being lived in. All the sources will be listed at the end of the post as obviously, the only image that belongs to me is the one above.

Image sources: 12345678
(Obviously I don't know if these are the real owners of the images, however that is where I found them!)

Friday, 13 June 2014

I know it's sad but I never gave a damn about the weather

As well as being incredibly socially awkward, one of the stereotypically British personality traits that I have is the fact I always want to talk about the weather. Maybe it's because the sky above our little island can never decide if it wants to emit rays of sun or shower us in freezing water, so we are all so intrigued by the unpredictability of it.. or maybe we're all just really boring and our lack of social skills mean we always turn to the weather as the small talk topic of choice. Either way, it's raining right now which seems strange after the week of intense heat and sunshine (although I'm sure those of you from more.. 'tropical' environments would laugh at our excuse for heat).
 After hearing thunder for the past hour and convincing myself it was just someone's car engine, the sky opened up and ruined everybody's plans of village events in fields (if I have to wear wellys in June tomorrow I'm sure I will be using it in an awkward conversation about the typical British summer at some point) or any kind of 'Summer' activity outdoors. The sky is really pretty right now though,  it's as if the sunset is trying to break through the ever present grey clouds and instead covering the sky in a strange purple colour that seems vaguely reminiscent from some childhood cartoon I can't quite remember. I did try to get a photo but it doesn't show up, so enjoy this one of the sunset a few days ago (while I was taking this someone in the house below was watching me in their window... Embarrassing..).
 It seems so relaxing to sit with my window open, letting the sound of rain almost over power the sound of my incredibly loud (and annoying) laptop fan after the stressful week I've had of science exams and too many P.E lessons. Now year 11 have officially left school I feel excited for the future. One more year and I'll finally be able to walk out of the school gates and never look back.. I can't wait.
Having said that, I have been really happy lately. It seems like any kind of negativity in my life has gone, and I just feel so calm. I know some people may be rolling their eyes at a 15 year old mentioning 'negativity' but all I can say is it feels good to be able to laugh and smile and not care about anything.

I hope you all had a good Friday the 13th and if not, I hope tomorrow makes up for it! I will try to go to sleep and wake up a less cheesy person. 

Thursday, 29 May 2014

oh I will become what I deserve

During this week off school, I imagine that most students are revising to ensure that they achieve the best possible grade that they can. I, however, have spent every single day in the cycle of 'wake up at 2, eat, read blogs, watch movies, fall asleep at 3am'. The lack of productivity is sure to have an impact on my exams, and you'd think that with less than a week to go until my first one I would have some ambition to revise. But no. You may have read my last post in which I was claiming that I was feeling determined.. I am no longer in that mindset. The problem that I seem to share with most people in the world is that procrastination rules my life. In all honestly, I really can't be bothered to open my Science textbook and read about whatever it was I should have learnt when I was day dreaming in lesson. My biggest weakness is that I just don't care.

So, instead of making a start at revising, I went shopping. Maybe it was just the bad weather, but today even retail therapy couldn't distract my mind from thinking 'you should be doing work.. you go back to school on Monday!'. This was all soon fixed with Wagamamas though (I think noodles have the power to heal anything.. but don't quote me on that). It felt kind of strange sitting in a restaurant with my friend today, which I found surprising because this is our usual weekend routine. It just felt very grown up and I kept thinking about how much I'd changed without realising in the past few years, and I wondered how much I was going to change in the next few. Anyway, enough with the depressing thoughts: the food was good.

After an awkward train ride home in which my friend and I were the only people on a packed train who were talking, we had to walk through a field to get back to my house. I'm not a very outdoors-y person, and I despise any kind of physical activity, so walking home through mud and pools of water after the recent downpours was not my kind of fun. However, having a long conversation with my friend was distracting enough and I managed to get through without complaining (or breaking my leg).
I am currently back in the vicinity of central heating and the thought of ever facing the outside world is making me shiver. I hope you're all being more productive than I am and that the weather is better for you. For some reason my brain wants me to type 'Happy Birthday' so um.. if it's your birthday that's for you... Goodbye. By the way, it's common knowledge that I am a terrible photographer, but I'm pretty proud of these ones, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Sunday, 11 May 2014

exam stress, blogging and determination

Like many teenage bloggers recently, I've had to push my blog to the back of my mind what with the sudden buzz and stress of upcoming exams. This year I have 4 real GCSE exams and 3 mocks which although doesn't sound like a lot, it feels like the end of the world. All through high school I've been reminded that this day was inevitable and no matter how much I chose to avoid it, it would come. Guess what? My teachers were right, all the moments of daydreaming and doodling in the corner of the page while I was supposed to be making notes has resulted in a huge amount of stress and regret from me. 

I've suddenly become really excited to leave high school, and the majority of the time I should be revising is spent searching local college courses and seeing how far away from my town I can get without paying extortionate amounts for train fare. Growing up has now become an obsession in a strange way, I can't wait to just get on with my life and leave behind high school (which I can honestly say is my least favourite place in the world). Along with this new attitude I've developed a weird determination to work hard, although every time I say this it fails miserably the next day..

I really want to try and succeed but my laziness and constant procrastination pulls me back, which is something I can obviously only blame on myself. Since starting a blog I've realised that I often get caught up in blogging and everything surrounding it, including twitter, emails and of course reading other blogs. Although I do love it, it can be incredibly distracting when I really should be revising or doing coursework which is why I'm going to have to abandon this little space of the internet for a while.

Hopefully the next time I post I'll be able to say that I've done something productive with my time like, for example, finding a Saturday job (I need money but I'm too shy to walk in and ask!). Are you currently doing exams? How are you surviving? I really need some tips and assurance that I'm not the only lazy one..

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

only seasons can tell of the sweet dreams that we knew so well

There's something about storms that I love. It may be a descendant from being younger and sitting in a classroom with other small children who scream and cry when thunder sounds; the sense of fear in the air being vaguely exciting, or it may just be the way the rain washes over everything and leaves the streets so empty due to people running for shelter. I'm typically a very boring person when it comes to loud noises, avoiding fireworks and wincing at gun sounds in the cinema, yet I feel drawn to thunder in such a strange way. I always associate memories of storms with sitting in my kitchen as a child, counting the seconds between thunder and lightening with my sisters and the lights turned off; the darkness only being broken by a flash of electricity illuminating the sky. Maybe I'm just romanticizing a regular part of nature but I honestly think this is one of the 'coolest' things to happen naturally on our planet. Today I got home after a bad day, and rather than making my life seem like a sad moment in a cheesy movie, the storm seemed to lift my mood.. strange.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

Happy days

One of my all time favourite bloggers Jess (owner of the flawless blog Gingerly Pale) often writes posts about things that are making her happy, and I decided to blatantly copy her idea write a post inspired by hers (don't worry, I asked!). Now that the first week of the Easter holidays has come to an end, I am counting down the days until I have a full on stress breakdown due to the large amount of work I have to do in a short amount of time; until then though, I'm going to continue waking up at 2pm and then watching Gossip Girl for the next twelve hours. Here is what is making me happy:

  • The Netflix 30 day free trial.. a.k.a my biggest downfall when it comes to revising. I am now often faced with the decision of actually doing my art coursework or watching bad TV shows, and I will always take advantage of a freebie. 
  • No longer being scared of getting the train. Yes, there was once a time where the stress of train stations were too much for me to handle, and I avoided them at all costs. Now though, I spend most of my time on this form of public transport which makes my old fears seem completely insane. 
  • Trying new cafĂ©'s and restaurants with friends. Over the past few weeks I've eaten at so many new places that I've almost forgotten about my beloved TGI's, something I thought would never happen. However, no matter how fun I find this, it's a big drain on my bank account when the money could have been spent on more useful things.
  • The weather which has been very good as of late. Good enough that the last time I went in to Leeds I didn't bring a jacket and although that's probably a regular occurrence for people that live in hotter climates, this is a huge deal for someone from a particularly freezing part in England.
  • People who post videos of Whales online. As strange as this may sound, I have a creepy fascination with killer whales and watching them attack people on YouTube. It's gotten to the point that I have started convincing my friends to watch documentaries with me when it's probably the last thing they want to do. Oh, and I've also had a few killer whale dreams in the past few days.. You can unfollow now I am aware I am weird.
  • Good friends that make me happy. My last post was pretty negative, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to say that for every bad person in my life, I probably have 6 good ones who make me smile without even knowing. I know I'm incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who inspire me to do good things like eat healthy, get a job or revise for my exams (which I am completely incapable of doing on my own) and I am in no way taking that for granted.

I hope you are all having a very relaxing Easter Holidays (or just weekend if you don't have time off school/work right now). And in true gossip girl style:
You know you love me
(that was lame).

PS: Once again, my photos are so bad... I'm sorry!

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

negative people

I've said this before but my blog is my outlet. I created my blog so I would have a space to rant or just share my feelings to whoever cares enough to read it, so that's what I am doing right now.
Everybody comes across negative people in their life; whether it's the angry stranger who gives you dirty looks in the supermarket or a teacher who constantly tells you that you're stupid. These people are everywhere, hiding out in all corners of the world, ready to put you down and ruin your day. In some cases, they are easy to get away from; a simple eye roll and a sigh can put them in their place as you walk away from them forever. However, it's not always that easy. It is often that we find ourselves in situations or relationships with those who have little regard for anybody but themselves, yet it's almost as if you can't get away from it. It's difficult and it feels as if your life is being consumed by somebody who you genuinely care about. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the perfect friend however I will never intentionally hurt someone's feelings. It makes me sad when somebody feels the need to put another person down by insulting them for no reason; quite frankly it's rude and completely unnecessary. For a while I've been dealing with the same people who although make me insanely happy when I'm with them, manage to mess with my head when they're not. For example, a comment that's made when I'm with them will be either ignored or brushed off by me, and it's not until I'm alone that I realise this person has literally just sat and insulted me to make themselves feel better. It's painful when somebody who you would support endlessly and always be there for treats you in a way that makes you feel so small. Although this is coming off as a rant, I can't help but be confused. No matter what someone says to me, I would never treat them this way.. yet it's coming from a friend and not an enemy. I will never be brave enough to get myself out of this situation, but if you are then here is some advice:
  • if there's someone in your life who you support yet either ignores or ridicules your achievements - get rid of them.
  • if there's someone in your life who points our your insecurities when they are fully aware about your feelings - get rid of them.
  • if there's someone in your life who is not treating you as well as you treat them then, you guessed it, get rid of them.
Let's hope someday I can do the same.